Brutal honesty has pierced me this morning before my first cup of coffee has been consumed.
"Am I trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men I would not be a servant of Christ."
This verse cuts through my daily actions and makes me reconsider my intentions.
Am I writing novels to merely entertain myself or others;These questions I am asking myself this morning to hold myself accountable.
or am I trying to spread the message of God?
Am I stitching up creations for my own glory and praise, as if I were a Goddess;
or am I using my skills to further the kingdom of God, to follow the example Jesus lived?
I have dug barren mines instead of climbing mountains; stumbled over pride, jealousy, and anger to fall into a pit of judgement.
Why are my books not selling?In my prideful, jealous anger I have passed judgement on the work of others.
I worked for 6 years on those and no one is reading them; is no one willing to support a starving artist?
Why is so-and-so's book successful?
All I read were transparent plots and flat characters.
"You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgement on someone else, for at whatever point you judge others, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgement do the same things."
The condemnation is worse than reproach from my mother for being caught with my hand in the cookie jar.
(It was one my Great Grandma Betty made: a ceramic Cookie Monster cookie jar.)
Hopelessness descends as recognition of my failure settles.
All I can do is cry out to God, praying for forgiveness and guidance to not commit the same sin twice.
I am not without hope after all, if I cling to my faith.
"Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we cannot see."
It is only through faith my crushed spirit can be healed and lifted to a higher summit than I can achieve on my own with a cup of coffee.